Grieving at the Holiday Table: Planning for the Empty Chair

By Natasha Charles McQueen, Ph.D.

Thanksgiving falls on Thursday, November 26 this year. For many families it is the day everyone gathers. If someone is missing, the chair may still be there, or it may have been moved, or no one wants to sit in it.

If you are grieving this season, you may be far from the people and the place you once shared. Many families in the Caribbean and across the diaspora grew up with holidays built around a full table. Now the table may be smaller, or in another country, or set for only a few people. That change can be hard to put into words. I wrote this for the people who will set a place for someone who is not coming.

Grief does not follow a calendar. A song, a smell or a question at the table can bring the loss back on a day you did not expect.

Decide some things before the day

Michelle Palmer, executive director of the Wendt Center for Loss & Healing in Washington, D.C., told NPR that families often do better when they talk about traditions before the day arrives, before anyone is already upset. In the first or second year, some people cannot keep the old traditions at all. Deciding ahead lets each person choose without pressure in the moment.

Make a plan, and a spare

Agrace, a grief support organization in Madison, Wisconsin, suggests making a plan for the day and a backup. If dinner at a relative's home feels like too much when the morning comes, some people choose a quieter option ready to go, such as a walk or a visit with a friend. Having a second choice can take some of the pressure off the day.

Say the name

People often tell Agrace's counselors that the most hurtful thing is when no one mentions the person who died. You might ask, "What was their favorite thing about the holidays?" The answer can lead to a new tradition that honors them, such as their dish on the table or a story told after the meal.

If you cannot be there

Distance, cost or work can keep you from the family table. Some people choose to light a candle at the time a service or meal is held back home. Others cook a dish the person loved, or write a letter to read on the day. Coastal Home Health & Hospice, a hospice in Brookings, Oregon, writes that family traditions, and cultural or religious rituals that honor the dead, can bring peace and stability when things feel chaotic.

One small thing to do this week

Choose one person you trust and send them a short message. For example: "I would like to talk about them before the holiday. Can we call on Sunday?" Naming the day ahead gives that person a clear way to help. Agrace also suggests telling people what would help, so they do not have to guess.

When the weight does not lift

Grief can become too heavy to carry alone. If you are struggling to get through a day, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, you can call or text 988 in the United States at any hour. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free and confidential, and you can also reach it by chat. If you live elsewhere, look up the crisis line in your country. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number right away. If the sadness stays heavy for weeks, speaking with a doctor or a licensed mental health professional can help you find the right support.

Where this comes from

• NPR, "How to deal with grief during the holidays," December 18, 2023. npr.org

• Agrace, "Holiday Tips for Coping with Grief and Loss." agrace.org

• Coastal Home Health & Hospice, "Holiday Grief Support: Ways to Get Through Missing Someone Special." coastalhhh.org

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988lifeline.org

This post is for education and reflection. It is not medical or mental health advice, and it does not diagnose anything.

Natasha Charles McQueen, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and therapist.